i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
