4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
