So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
