He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
