im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
