Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
