and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Randomize
