I think I died a long time ago.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
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