cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
