i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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