if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
