Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
In America we eat man semen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
