If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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