did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
