I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
