Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I want to walk on stilts...naked
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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