My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
