I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Can you bring me the toilet please
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
