My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
