did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
