On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
