I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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