i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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