im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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