i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
