You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
