First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
