Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
