why didn't you poke me back
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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