Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think my moral compass just broke
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