Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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