i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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