I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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