I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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