I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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