I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
