the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
