I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
