i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
