I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
