My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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