No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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