guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
