More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
