It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
