Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
