i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
where are you?
Hypothermia
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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