I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
