You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
