Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
