dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
