Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
