So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
