Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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