Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
