I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
