So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So much Jack, so little girl.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
