I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
