DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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