I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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